A reflective newsletter about faith, healing, and personal growth. This issue explores positive and negative feedback loops—how they show up in the real world, how they shape relationships, and how you can change the patterns that keep repeating in your life.
The World Runs on Loops
There is a quiet truth about life that most people don’t understand until they’ve lived long enough to recognize patterns:
You don’t just live through moments.
You live inside systems.
And systems run on loops.
A feedback loop is a cycle where something produces an outcome… and that outcome feeds back into the original thing, making it stronger over time.
It’s how ecosystems grow.
It’s how habits form.
It’s how businesses succeed.
It’s how communities collapse.
It’s how mental health spirals.
It’s how relationships either deepen… or decay.
And this is why you cannot fix your life by only focusing on one event.
Because the problem is rarely the event.
The problem is the loop.
"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."
Proverbs 23:7
What a Feedback Loop Really Is
A feedback loop is reinforcement.
Something happens.
A response follows.
That response becomes fuel for what happens next.
And the loop repeats.
The more it repeats, the more it becomes normal.
Eventually, it becomes identity.
Eventually, it becomes the lens you view everything through.
And whether you realize it or not, you are living in feedback loops every single day.
Some are healing you.
Some are strengthening you.
Some are draining you.
Some are breaking you slowly.
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Romans 12:2
Positive Feedback Loops: When Something Grows
In the real world, a positive feedback loop is when something reinforces itself and expands.
Examples:
A person starts exercising → they feel better → they sleep better → they have more energy → they exercise more
A student gains confidence → they participate more → they learn more → they gain more confidence
A business gets customers → gets reviews → builds trust → attracts more customers
A community invests in opportunity → people thrive → crime drops → neighborhoods improve → investment increases
The outcome strengthens the original action.
It becomes a cycle of growth.
It’s like the world saying:
“This is working. Keep going.”
"Let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap."
Galatians 6:9
When “Positive” Doesn’t Mean Healthy
Here’s where most people misunderstand the term.
A positive feedback loop does not mean something good is happening.
It only means something is being amplified.
Sometimes what is being amplified is destructive.
Examples of harmful positive feedback loops in the world:
Addiction: stress → substance use → temporary relief → dependency → more stress → more substance use
Social media validation: post → get attention → feel worthy → become dependent → panic when approval disappears
Gossip culture: rumor spreads → people believe it → they treat someone differently → reaction becomes “proof”
Corruption: power grows → accountability shrinks → abuse grows → power grows more
Panic buying: fear increases → people hoard → shortages happen → fear increases even more
These loops grow.
They multiply.
They accelerate.
But they don’t create life.
They create collapse.
And the scariest part?
They often look successful on the outside until it’s too late.
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death."
Proverbs 14:12
Negative Feedback Loops: When Something Shuts Down
A negative feedback loop is when something pushes back, stabilizes, or shuts down a system.
In the natural world, negative feedback loops are often helpful.
They regulate the body.
They keep systems balanced.
But in relationships, negative feedback loops often show up as emotional shutdown.
Examples:
Stress increases → sleep decreases → irritability increases → relationships suffer → stress increases
One person feels unsafe → they withdraw → the other feels rejected → they pursue harder → withdrawal increases
Miscommunication happens → trust drops → vulnerability decreases → misunderstanding increases → trust drops further
The relationship begins to “correct” itself by disconnecting.
And if nobody changes the pattern, the system eventually collapses.
"God is not the author of confusion, but of peace."
1 Corinthians 14:33
Relationships Are Built on Feedback Loops Too
This is where the concept becomes personal.
Relationships are not built on love alone.
They are built on reinforcement.
What gets rewarded continues.
What gets ignored fades.
What gets punished eventually disappears.
What gets tolerated becomes normalized.
Every relationship has a loop.
And the loop becomes the culture of that relationship.
You don’t stay connected because you love someone.
You stay connected because the loop creates safety, consistency, and reinforcement.
Or it creates anxiety, insecurity, and survival.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Proverbs 4:23
The Healthy Loop: When Love Builds Itself
A healthy relationship loop looks like this:
Care is shown → safety increases → communication deepens → trust grows → connection strengthens → care increases
It becomes a cycle of growth.
A cycle of mutual effort.
A cycle where both people feel protected.
Not because the relationship is perfect, but because the reinforcement is healthy.
Effort is met with effort.
Honesty is met with respect.
Vulnerability is met with care.
"Love is patient, love is kind."
1 Corinthians 13:4
The Loop That Quietly Destroys People
A toxic relationship loop doesn’t always look explosive.
Sometimes it looks like a slow emotional drain.
Examples:
One person communicates → the other dismisses → the first person stops sharing → resentment grows → emotional distance increases
Or:
One person is inconsistent → the other becomes anxious → they chase harder → inconsistency increases → anxiety increases
Or:
Trust is broken → the other becomes guarded → defensiveness grows → conflict becomes constant → trust erodes further
And over time, the relationship becomes less about love and more about emotional management.
You start choosing your words carefully.
You start walking on eggshells.
You start anticipating reactions.
You start editing your personality.
Not because you’re growing…
But because you’re surviving.
And survival is not intimacy.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy."
John 10:10
The Toxic Positivity Loop
This is one of the most deceptive loops in relationships.
It looks peaceful.
But it isn’t.
Toxic positivity is when someone refuses to deal with reality and uses “good vibes” as a shield.
It sounds like:
“Don’t be negative.”
“Let’s not talk about that.”
“You’re overthinking.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“You always make things deeper than they need to be.”
And the loop becomes:
Hard conversations are avoided → everything looks fine → resentment builds → authenticity dies → emotional distance grows
Nothing gets healed.
It just gets buried.
And buried pain doesn’t disappear.
It multiplies underground.
That is not peace.
That is avoidance.
"You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
John 8:32
When You Withhold Your Authentic Self
This is one of the most common relationship loops, especially for people who have been abandoned, betrayed, or emotionally neglected.
You learn that love is conditional.
So you start shaping yourself into someone “easy to love.”
You stop asking for what you need.
You stop bringing up what hurts.
You stop showing your full personality.
You stop saying what you really feel.
Because deep down you think:
If I’m too much, I’ll be left.
So the loop becomes:
You hide your needs → you seem low-maintenance → they get comfortable → you hide more → you feel lonelier → resentment grows → you shut down
And eventually you wake up and realize:
They don’t actually know me.
And the worst part is you don’t even know when it started happening.
You just know you don’t feel seen anymore.
"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
1 Samuel 16:7
How to Change the Loop
Here is the part that gives people their power back:
A loop cannot change unless the input changes.
If you keep feeding the same pattern, you will keep getting the same outcome.
This is true in nature.
It is true in business.
It is true in your mind.
And it is true in love.
So if your relationship is stuck in a cycle, ask yourself:
What is being reinforced here?
Because the relationship you are in is not just shaped by what someone says.
It is shaped by what is rewarded, tolerated, ignored, and repeated.
"Do not be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever one sows, that will he also reap."
Galatians 6:7
How to Create a Positive Feedback Loop in Relationships
If you want healthier love, you don’t just need better feelings.
You need better reinforcement.
Reward honesty
When someone communicates clearly, acknowledge it.
When someone is vulnerable, honor it.
When someone tells the truth even when it’s hard, respect it.
Honesty grows when it is safe.
"Speak the truth in love."
Ephesians 4:15
Reward effort
Effort is one of the strongest relationship builders there is.
Not grand gestures.
Not speeches.
Effort.
Consistency.
Showing up when it’s inconvenient.
When effort is recognized, it grows.
"Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."
Hebrews 10:24
Reward emotional safety
Safety is the soil where love grows.
If your nervous system is constantly on edge, the relationship will never become stable.
Love cannot thrive in a survival environment.
Peace is not a luxury.
It is a requirement.
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace..."
Galatians 5:22
Interrupting the Loop Before It Breaks You
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is stop participating in a pattern that is harming you.
Because some loops survive only because you keep feeding them.
You keep explaining.
You keep forgiving.
You keep reaching.
You keep softening your needs.
You keep lowering your standards.
And you call it love.
But love doesn’t require self-abandonment.
So when the loop becomes unhealthy, you interrupt it by doing something different:
stop responding to disrespect
stop chasing inconsistent effort
stop rewarding bare minimum behavior with full devotion
stop giving your emotional energy to someone who refuses to grow
stop apologizing for having needs
stop trying to earn what should be freely given
"Above all else, guard your heart."
Proverbs 4:23
When the Loop Reveals It’s Time to Leave
This is where people hesitate.
Because leaving feels like failure.
But sometimes leaving is wisdom.
Sometimes leaving is obedience.
Sometimes leaving is the only way to stop a destructive loop from consuming you.
You know it is time to leave when:
the same pain repeats with different excuses
apologies never become change
you feel anxious more than you feel loved
you cannot be yourself without being punished
you keep shrinking to keep the peace
you feel lonelier with them than without them
your nervous system stays in fight-or-flight
you keep hoping for a version of them that never arrives
your boundaries are treated like insults
your spirit feels drained every time you reconnect
A negative feedback loop does not usually heal itself.
It intensifies.
And sometimes the clearest sign God is trying to protect you is that He keeps showing you the pattern.
Over and over.
Until you finally stop calling it love.
"Shake the dust off your feet."
Matthew 10:14
The Most Important Question You Can Ask
If you want to understand your relationship, don’t just ask:
Do I love them?
Ask:
What is this relationship reinforcing in me?
Because relationships reinforce identity.
They either reinforce:
peace
confidence
emotional safety
growth
stability
faith
self-worth
Or they reinforce:
anxiety
insecurity
emotional confusion
self-doubt
survival
obsession
self-abandonment
And if the relationship is reinforcing survival…
then it is not love.
It is a loop.
"God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
Affirmations
I recognize the patterns I am living in.
I am no longer available for cycles that drain my spirit.
I deserve relationships that reinforce peace, not anxiety.
I will not confuse inconsistency with love.
I do not have to perform to be worthy of commitment.
I am allowed to require effort, honesty, and emotional safety.
I release the need to fix what is not mine to repair.
I am learning to stop feeding the loops that harm me.
I trust God’s discernment more than my attachment.
I choose growth, even when it costs me comfort.
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."
Psalm 138:8
A Prayer for Discernment and Freedom
Lord,
Open my eyes to the cycles I keep living in.
Help me recognize the patterns that are shaping my heart, my peace, and my future.
Give me wisdom to see what is real, not just what I hope is true.
Teach me how to create healthier loops in my life—through boundaries, through truth, through consistency, and through self-respect.
Help me stop feeding what keeps draining me.
Give me the courage to speak honestly.
Give me the strength to walk away from what is harming me.
And give me the faith to believe that I do not lose anything meant for me.
If it is truly love, it will grow in truth.
If it is not, I trust You to remove me from the cycle before it destroys me.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God."
James 1:5
Call to Action
This week, take a pen and write down one relationship loop you are living in.
Ask yourself:
What is being reinforced?
What is being tolerated?
What keeps repeating?
What is this relationship producing in me?
Do I feel more like myself… or less?
Then choose one small action that changes the input:
tell the truth instead of pretending
stop rewarding inconsistency with your energy
reinforce the behaviors that create safety
set a boundary that protects your peace
stop explaining yourself to someone who refuses to understand
walk away from what keeps repeating
Because the loop you feed…
becomes the life you live.
"Choose this day whom you will serve."
Joshua 24:15
Closing Reflection
The world teaches us that feedback loops are powerful.
They shape ecosystems, economies, health, and success.
But they also shape love.
You don’t just fall into relationships.
You build them—through patterns.
So if you want to change your relationships…
don’t just ask whether you love someone.
Ask whether the cycle is building something holy…
or breaking something sacred.
Because love should reinforce peace.
Love should reinforce safety.
Love should reinforce growth.
And if it doesn’t…
then it isn’t love.
It’s a loop.
And you are allowed to step out of it.
In solidarity,
Lyndsay LaBrier
Merchant Ship Collective | Light the Way