In partnership with
Merchant Ship Collective
Forgiveness, Boundaries, and Holy Discernment
Forgiveness is freedom—but it isn’t a revolving door. Walking with God means learning to release resentment and knowing when to step back from people who refuse to walk in truth, accountability, or purpose. Today, we’re talking about the spiritual work of forgiving while discerning who should remain in your life—and who should not.
A Personal Note
I’ve forgiven my oldest son’s father. That forgiveness is real. And still, he cannot be an active part of my life. Both things are true: grace extended, access limited. That’s not bitterness—it’s stewardship of peace and purpose.
And here’s something important: my decision does not define or control my son’s relationship with his father.
Forgiveness and boundaries are personal decisions, not family mandates. We do not control the relationships of others—not our children, not our partners, not our friends. Everyone has the right to form their own relationships, evaluate their own experiences, and make their own choices with God.
My peace does not require cutting someone out of his life.
And his relationship with his father does not require that person to have full access to mine.
Those are two separate, sacred decisions.
This is what healthy forgiveness looks like:
honoring your peace while honoring the autonomy of others.
What Forgiveness Actually Is
Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It does not mean pretending the harm never happened. It does not mean giving someone the same access they once had.
Forgiveness is between you and God.
Reconciliation is between you and the other person—and only when safety, trust, and accountability exist.
Facts & Statistics
Forgiveness is linked to lower stress, better sleep, improved heart health, and decreased depression and anxiety (American Psychological Association, 2017; Harvard Health Publishing, 2021; Johns Hopkins Medicine, n.d.).
Longitudinal research shows forgiveness reduces stress over time (Toussaint et al., 2016).
89% of Americans believe clear boundaries are important in relationships (YouGov, 2023).
Research shows effective apologies require regret, explanation, responsibility, repentance, repair, and a request for forgiveness—without these, healing often doesn’t occur (Lewicki et al., 2016; Ohio State University, 2016).
Scripture to Anchor You
Forgive: “Be kind to one another… forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:32
Guard your heart: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23
Discern: “…that you may approve what is excellent…” — Philippians 1:9–10
Release toxic ties: “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.” — 1 Corinthians 15:33
Fruit check: “You will know them by their fruits.” — Matthew 7:16
How to Discern: Do They Stay in Your Life, or Do You Walk Away?
✅ Keep Them (With Boundaries) When They:
Take responsibility without excuses
Show consistent behavioral change
Respect your boundaries
Align, imperfectly but sincerely, with growth, honesty, and God
❌ Release Them When They:
Blame, deny, or minimize the harm
Repeat the same patterns
Violate boundaries after they’ve been clearly communicated
Pull you away from peace, safety, or purpose
Show no intention of walking their God-given path
Boundaries aren’t punishment. They are protection, respect, and self-stewardship (Stanford University, n.d.).
How to Communicate Forgiveness + Boundaries
Forgiveness Without Access
“I’ve done the work to forgive the past. For my well-being, I’m not available for ongoing personal contact. I wish you well.”
Conditional Contact
“I’m open to limited contact if these boundaries are respected: [List]. If they are not honored, contact will pause.”
When They Push Back
“My boundary is not up for debate. If it’s not respected, I will end the conversation for now.”
These statements are calm, firm, and rooted in emotional integrity (Verywell Mind, 2023).
Taking Accountability for Your Part
Forgiveness goes both ways. Sometimes the healing comes from owning our part.
Research identifies six elements of a true apology:
Acknowledging the harm
Explaining without excusing
Accepting responsibility
Expressing remorse
Stating what will change
Offering repair
This model is strongly supported in communication and behavioral psychology research (Lewicki et al., 2016; Ohio State University, 2016).
Template
“I’m sorry for ____. It was wrong because ____. I take responsibility. I’m committed to changing ____. I’d like to make this right by ____. I understand if you need time.”
Emotions Are Normal
Feeling anger, grief, sadness, or fear doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven.
It means you’re human.
Forgiveness is often a process, not a moment. Research shows emotional processing is a key part of reducing stress and healing long-term (American Psychological Association, 2017; Harvard Health Publishing, 2021).
So don’t rush your heart.
Let it unfold.
Practical Spiritual Steps This Week
Name the real harm in one sentence.
Pray over the relationship: Should I forgive? Reconnect? Restrict? Release?
Decide the access level: full, limited, minimal, none.
Write your boundary script.
Share it one time—without arguing or defending.
Check the fruit in 30/60/90 days.
Bless their path and walk yours.
Affirmations to Carry You
I can forgive fully and still set God-led boundaries.
Peace is my responsibility; access to me is a privilege.
I release resentment and choose wisdom every day.
I walk in truth, purpose, and emotional clarity.
God’s discernment guides who stays, who goes, and who grows.
Call to Action
Pray over one relationship this week.
Choose intentionally: forgive, rebuild, re-boundary, or release.
And don’t keep this wisdom to yourself—share it with someone who needs freedom, clarity, and peace.
In solidarity,
Lyndsay LaBrier
Merchant Ship Collective — Light the Way
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References
American Psychological Association. (2017). The road to forgiveness: A guided process.
Harvard Health Publishing. (2021). The power of forgiveness. Harvard Medical School.
Johns Hopkins Medicine. (n.d.). Forgiveness: Your health depends on it.
Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196.
Ohio State University. (2016). The six elements of an effective apology (Press release).
Stanford University. (n.d.). Trust, safety, and respect: Why boundaries matter.
Toussaint, L., Shields, G., Dorn, G., & Slavich, G. (2016). Effects of lifetime stress exposure and forgiveness on mental and physical health. Journal of Health Psychology, 21(6), 1004–1014.
Verywell Mind. (2023). How to set boundaries and communicate them effectively.
YouGov. (2023). Americans’ opinions on boundaries in romantic relationships.