Abuse does not survive on cruelty alone.

It survives on silence.
It survives on excuses.
It survives when people who know better choose comfort over courage.

And when that silence is passed down, it becomes an inheritance no child ever consented to receive.

Abuse is not gendered.

The pattern described here is not about gender.
It is about power protected without accountability.

Research consistently shows that while abuse may present differently across genders, the psychological and developmental harm to victims is comparable (Dutton & Goodman, 2005; Hamby et al., 2017).

Generational abuse does not begin with the child who is harmed.

It begins with the adults who refuse to interrupt harm when they have the chance.

Studies on intergenerational trauma show that children raised in abusive or neglectful homes are significantly more likely to experience or perpetrate abuse in adulthood—unless the cycle is intentionally disrupted (Widom et al., 2015).

In the first generation, one parent is abusive.

They control through intimidation, emotional volatility, and sometimes physical violence. They humiliate, punish, and dominate behind closed doors while maintaining respectability in public.

The other parent knows.

And instead of intervening, they manage the damage.

They minimize behavior.
They reframe abuse as stress, discipline, or personality.
They protect the abuser’s image in family, faith, and community spaces.

This is not neutrality.
This is participation.

Research on bystander and enabling behavior confirms that chronic minimization and non-intervention function as reinforcement, increasing both the frequency and severity of abuse over time (Linder & Collins, 2005).

Fear may explain silence early on—but over time, silence becomes choice.

Admitting the truth would require acknowledging failure to protect children.

So the enabling parent chooses preservation over accountability.

Religion is often used to justify this:

But research on religious coping in abusive households shows that spiritual justification of abuse is associated with increased victim self-blame, delayed escape, and worse outcomes for children (Trevillion et al., 2014).

God does not sanctify harm.
Faith that protects abuse is distorted faith.

Children raised in these environments learn:

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) research demonstrates that children exposed to domestic violence, emotional abuse, or chronic household dysfunction face significantly higher risks of:

Silence teaches as powerfully as words.

The abused child becomes an adult.

They may vow never to repeat the past.

But research shows that what is modeled and protected becomes normalized, especially when accountability was absent (Widom et al., 2015).

In adulthood, the pattern resurfaces:

Victims in this generation may be partners of any gender.
Children once again absorb the cost.

Now the enabling parent protects an adult child.

They excuse abuse because acknowledging it would expose decades of silence.

They:

Research on family systems confirms that enablers often escalate protection once abuse becomes public, because exposure threatens their identity and moral self-image (Minuchin, 1974; Karpman, 1968).

This protection now harms:

This is how enabling becomes intergenerational abuse.

The belief that silence preserves families is false.

Research consistently shows that children fare better in stable single-parent homes than in intact homes marked by chronic abuse (Afifi et al., 2016).

Peace without safety is not peace.

Eventually, someone refuses to absorb it anymore.

They leave.
They protect children.
They endure backlash.

Research confirms that breaking intergenerational abuse dramatically improves long-term outcomes for children, even when short-term disruption is significant (Widom et al., 2015).

Breaking the cycle is not betrayal.
It is righteousness.

God of truth and justice,
Expose what has been hidden by fear, tradition, and silence.
Give courage to those who choose protection over appearance.
Heal the children—and adults—harmed by generational abuse.

Strengthen those who break cycles, even when it costs them everything.
Let truth outlive silence.

Amen.

If this resonates, do not look away.

Examine where silence is being mistaken for peace.
Refuse to excuse harm—no matter who commits it.
Protect children, partners, and the vulnerable.

Cycles end when someone is brave enough to stop them.

In solidarity,
Lyndsay LaBrier
Merchant Ship Collective
Light the Way Newsletter

Afifi, T. O., MacMillan, H. L., Boyle, M., Taillieu, T., Cheung, K., & Sareen, J. (2016). Child abuse and physical health in adulthood. Health Reports, 27(3), 10–18.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). https://www.cdc.gov/aces

Dutton, M. A., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 20(11), 1415–1431. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260505278299

Hamby, S., Finkelhor, D., Turner, H., & Ormrod, R. (2017). The overlap of witnessing partner violence with child maltreatment and other victimizations. Journal of Emotional Abuse, 7(2), 83–105.

Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39–43.

Linder, J. R., & Collins, W. A. (2005). Parent and peer predictors of physical aggression and conflict management in romantic relationships in early adulthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 19(2), 252–262.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

Widom, C. S., Czaja, S. J., & DuMont, K. A. (2015). Intergenerational transmission of child abuse and neglect. American Journal of Public Health, 105(7), e33–e39. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2015.302582